I fell asleep with a capsaicin hot patch on
and dreamed about that guy from the American Pie movies, the one who was engaged to Katie Holmes before she married Tom Cruise, he was my camp counselor and love interest and throughout the whole dream it was unclear to me whether we were actually at camp or in a movie about camp. There were bugs and bare feet and his chest was comically broad.
*
I keep wondering what feeling I'm in. What this is. I feel far away from everything.
*
Also there is this cough that feels like it should be producing puffs of dust. Worse at night, like most things.
*
Still at my parents' house and being here it feels a little like I have been sent away. Der Zauberberg style.
*
There are some essays I've been meaning to write, in no particular order, about:
home/condiments
hotels
robes/loungewear
internet/marriage
It's like I'm waiting for something to 'kick in.' Constantly waiting for something to kick in. I need to hire a person to kick me instead. Output has been severely lacking. Input has been severely questionable. Need another Magic Mountain, after this one, to convalesce from the static.
*
One way that I'm feeling that I've pinned down with some surety is 'monstrous.' I've stopped apologizing because I'm overwhelmed by how much I probably need to apologize. My 'attitude'/quietude is some form of penance maybe, some state of constant apology...
*
I love my parents.
*
Beatrice's favorite song as of the past few days seems to be Happy Birthday. She also likes listening to opera with my dad.
*
My heart, it can only take so much. I should probably be pregnant all the time. I think I was a lot tougher when I was pregnant.
*
I don't know. I don't know.
*
I keep wondering what feeling I'm in. What this is. I feel far away from everything.
*
Also there is this cough that feels like it should be producing puffs of dust. Worse at night, like most things.
*
Still at my parents' house and being here it feels a little like I have been sent away. Der Zauberberg style.
*
There are some essays I've been meaning to write, in no particular order, about:
home/condiments
hotels
robes/loungewear
internet/marriage
It's like I'm waiting for something to 'kick in.' Constantly waiting for something to kick in. I need to hire a person to kick me instead. Output has been severely lacking. Input has been severely questionable. Need another Magic Mountain, after this one, to convalesce from the static.
*
One way that I'm feeling that I've pinned down with some surety is 'monstrous.' I've stopped apologizing because I'm overwhelmed by how much I probably need to apologize. My 'attitude'/quietude is some form of penance maybe, some state of constant apology...
*
I love my parents.
*
Beatrice's favorite song as of the past few days seems to be Happy Birthday. She also likes listening to opera with my dad.
*
My heart, it can only take so much. I should probably be pregnant all the time. I think I was a lot tougher when I was pregnant.
*
I don't know. I don't know.
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